He Misses You

A few weeks ago I was reading the Bible and I came across this scripture in Psalm 139:23 & 24: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.(New Living Translation) Like a dork (LOL) I prayed that prayer...and not more than 5 minutes went past until it was answered. All of a sudden things that I had been trying to hide from myself about myself were just ever so prevelant. In the simplist words...I was ripped a new one. LOL!

Growing up, like many young girls I struggled with self esteem/confidence. I've always been a little off beat by "worldly" standards. As you may know...being dark skinned and a little on the chunky side is just unacceptable and people never let me forget it...I didn't let myself forget it. So, growing up in school I developed an approval addiction. I can remember reading YM Magazine at the tender age of 12, trying to do my hair and make up to reflect that of the caucassion girls I seen on the pages. But, as you may know...nothing I did ever had a real effect on the way I looked. Black girls can't look like white girls...it took me a while to get that revelation...but I finally got it, it was a little late, but I got it. So picture it...here I am this black girl at an inner city public school, wearing bell bottoms and peasant tops (yeah, I'm really fitting in now...NOT!) I was the butt of every joke...(pun intended)...I was wearing low rise jeans!

Ever since then I have been on a journey...to get away from myself. I looked at everyone, and I mean everyone, and could point out at least 20 things about them that made them beautiful. In my mind every girl was smarter than me, prettier than me, everyone was better than me! This way of thinking followed me for years (and can sometimes still rear it's ugly head). As I grew older, I tried harder to be like people on T.V. I tried to change my voice because mine wasn't girly enough. My real hair never seen the light, I refused to leave the house without make-up, and I would search endlessly for the cutest clothes, then work for hours to actually get into them. By the time I was a junior in college, I had arrived (so I thought). I had the cutest car, clothes, hair, make-up, and tons of credit cards to keep up with the life style. It got to the point where I had like 4 pairs of the same jeans in different colors. I was "happy". I remember walking through the campus like I owned it, but as soon as I seen a girl that looked better than me (which was often) or if someone looked in my direction and laughed, my confidence went to pieces. I was again at the mall dropping $400 on a purse...thinking "now they won't laugh at me and I will be happy. It would only take a week before someone would look at me and laugh...I would be at the MAC counter trying to heal myself with eyeshadow...that I really didn't know how to apply. Let the record show that through all of this...I was a person that 'believed' in JESUS. I don't know what you're thinking...but that life certainly doesn't reflect the abundant life God promises we will have.

After listening to a few CD's from Joyce Meyer and my own Pastor. Reading the Bible "religiously" everyday, and reading other inspirational books... I had the problem beat! I finally got it...sure it took me getting into thousands of dollars of debt, living in my moms house and driving her car everywhere...I finally got it! No more chamillion Mia...changing my personality as soon as it looks like someone doesn't like me. Nope enough is enough...right? Fast forward a few years, I'm married (with all that baggage it's a MIRICLE that happened. LOL!) I go to church regularly and I even serve in the Children's Ministry there. And lookey here, lookey here...guess who's back...yup...it's super Mia, with the power to mend and mold herself into whatever she needs to...so people can like her and complement her.

After praying Psalm 139:23&24 the following is what resonated in my spirit:

I play to my strengths, I know who I am! I'm funny, smart, a great public speaker...I think those are my strengths. But, I'll have to get back to you because the last time I had the mic, no one smiled and patted me on the back and told me how good I was. No one laughed the last time I told a joke. Wait come to think of it no one complemented me on anything...then what are my strenghts? No one ever tells me that my hair is cute, or my make-up is pretty. Don't they know how much time I spend in the mirror....I mean I do this all for them. I brought these earrings in hopes of someone noticing, and complementing me because of them. Thank God that I am over that need to be accepted by people...how would that look...I mean what would people say if I, at the age of 25 still picked out clothes based only on rather I would get a complelment or not. But wait, the Bible says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), yup that's what I am...right?? But, I don't even really know what that means...and that girl over who is seemingly made more fearfully and more wonderfully than me is eyeing my husband!!! I am made in the image and likeness of the most high God (Genesis 1:27)...yeah, that's it! But, why aren't they talking to me and being nice to me!? If I'm like You how could they treat ME this way?? Well I know what to do to fix it...I'll giggle a little more cuz that's what girls are supposed to do. I'll make my voice higher, I'll wear a little more make-up today...yeah that will do it!

Of course my response to God was a little on the defensive side...okay maybe a lot on the defensive side. I was just thinking Lord, you don't know what you are talking about! (LOL) I don't think those thoughts anymore...I have been redeemed from the curse in Jesus name! There are two things that was funny about my reaction...1.) How am I going to get all holy...with the Holy of Holies?...2.) Wow, I'm really trying to lie to myself! After a little bit of banter with the Holy Spirit, I finally let my guards down (I had an attitude about it...but I let them down none the less.) I said alright God maybe...maybe you're right. Maybe everytime I go to the store I vison myself walking around in the outfit and people are just falling all over themselves telling me how pretty I am. Maybe...just maybe...when I'm scheduled to do things in churh that involve speaking...I think I'm the bomb, and people should think the same. And maybe...just maybe...when I see other people do things...I think "they're good...but I'm better". I'm not admitting this...I'm just saying that there is a chance that these thoughts go through my mind!

A week later, I came to the conclusion that everything God pointed out in me was the truth. But even still, I fought it. I said, Lord is it so wrong to want to be accepted and appreciated? Is it so wrong to want people to take notice of the awesome things that I do, and the amazing clothes and make-up that I wear...and complement me. They complement people who in my opinion don't even deserve it. I mean what's the big deal...after all I deserve it. You remember how I grew up Lord...those kids were mean to me, they were always talking about me and laughing at me. I'm grown now...my life should be different!

The very next day, I was reading my Bible...still under the impression that it was nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated and complemented and this is what I read, ...A person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. (Romans 2:29, New Living Translation) And there it was...my answer. All those years ago, I thought I was changed and freed from the curse of needing to be accepted and praised by people. But I wasn't changed and God told me why...it was because I had not renewed my mind like Romans 12:2 says I should. I went through the motions of being freed from it...but everytime I picked up the Bible to read it...and everytime I prayed I was just reading and saying words. I was too afraid to let God search my heart, I knew what was there, but I figured if I never said anything about it, then it would soon go away. It was foolish of me to think that something that I dealt with my whole childhood, would be cleared up in a matter of months by reading a few Bible chapters here and there.

Yesterday, while spending time with God, I heard Him say these words, I've missed you. And I didn't understand why He would miss me. I thought I've been here the whole time. As I listened to Him more, I discovered that I had been M.I.A. for a while as He began to tell me that the girl He knew before He formed her in the womb hadn't been around in a while. Yeah I was serving at my church doing what "I was supposed to do"...but I had been so consumed with being like everyone else, so everyone else could like in turn like me...the REAL ME went missing. So I pose this question to you today...Where are You?? Have you strayed so far into T.V. Land, changing your hair, clothes, personality, and character...all in hopes of being like your favorite T.V. personality. Or have you journeyed in to Comparison Nation, where every person you see, you find yourself wishing you were more like them and less like you?? If so, then God misses you!! You see He didn't create 2 Miley Cyrus' , 2 Kim Kardashians, or 2 Beyonce's. He created You for His enjoyment. Do you know that God spends time just thinking about YOU! He spent and immesnse amount of time crafting a taylor made plan for Your life, so YOU could do the things that He created YOU to do. Everyday of your life has been recorded in His book. Every moment has been laid out before a single day even passes. How precious and numerous are His thoughts toward YOU! (Psalm 139:16&17) God knew YOU in advance, He created a path for YOU in advance. He didn't just throw something together for you at the last minute...He took time writing out every single detail of your life. Think about this in the natural sense...if someone prepared your favorite dinner and it was on the table ready for you when you got home...it would make you sooo happy. 1.)Because you were hungry and 2.) Because they took the time ahead of time to go shopping and set the table and clean the mess in the kitchen. It's something different about a prearranged dinner than a dinner that is prepared after you got home. Both are nice gestures, but the first one says..."Wow, you were thinking about me...all day!" That's how God is with us. He thinks about us all day, He is always one step ahead and one step behind us. (Psalm 139:5) Don't you know that if He done all of this for YOU...that means He wants YOU, not a duplicate of someone else. So, if you feel like you can't be yourself with anyone else in the world...always remember that you can be yourself with Him. You can trust Him with your inner most secrets...even the ones that are not very good. He wants to be the one you share your dreams and desires with. He wants you to be the same person he created, before you were even a thought in your parents lives. He wants You...the good and the bad. He wants it ALL. Don't be embarrased or afraid....trust Him with all that you are.

Don't get it twisted, it will always be a journey for those of us who struggle with this issue. When you feel those old ways of thinking creeping up on you...don't try to ignore them. Begin to speak what God says about you. I know what you're thinking..."But Mia I don't have any scriptures memorized." Start with these simple words...God loves me, He thinks precious thoughts about me, He has spent sooo much time creating a perfect plan that suites everything that I am!

Think on this...one day my husband and I were in the car...and he seen this car on the road and he really, really like it. As we drove away from it, my husband told me that the voice of the Lord spoke to him, saying..."George, I had this car made especially for you...I knew that you would like it!" You are always on His mind!

Live YOUR Life

Though nothing can bring back the hour of Splendor in the Grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind ~William Wordsworth

Hey ya'll...i hope everyone is doing well and enjoying this holiday weekend. On Friday my husband and I were having coffee and I noticed that at least three people came into the coffee shop looking for work. What's weird about that you ask? The three people were in their mid to late 40's. They looked sad and scared. We all watch the news and we see that the economy is quickly declining...but none of us really know how close we are to being in a place that we never thought we would end up. I'm not trying to be a downer...but I am urging anyone who reads this to take the time and enjoy the hand you've been dealt. Don't spend so much time wishing you were someone else living somewhere else, and working somewhere else. Live YOUR Life.